Confessions of a perfectionist

Today I’m going to talk about something that I continually struggle with, and that is being a perfectionist. I feel like when people talk about perfectionism it’s that weakness that is actually a strength, but in reality if you really are a perfectionist then you know it is not a trait you actually want. Perfectionism does more harm than good when it cannot be controlled. I wanted to talk about my own personal experiences with perfectionism today, as well as shedding more light on the area and the effects it can have.

Perfectionism is defined as “the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection.” It is an unhealthy obsession to constantly be better than the best version of yourself. It is impossibly unattainable. A perfectionist is extremely critical of oneself, they strive only for a perfect and flawless outcome. When this outcome isn’t met it leads to feelings of failure and self-doubt which often spiral into mental health issues such as low self-esteem, anxiety, OCD, phobias, eating disorders, substance abuse and depression.

Perfectionism pushes you to be more than you can actually be, and this isn’t some pinterest quote about being your best self and just putting in that extra work, this is a real condition about never being good enough for yourself. No matter how smart, generous or stunning you may already be. No matter what you do or achieve it is simply never enough.

Being a human means that we often make mistakes in our life, therefore being flawlessly perfect is an unachievable and unhealthy expectation. A healthy approach to self-development is understanding there will be mistakes along the way because this is how we learn. However, when you are a perfectionist you won’t even attempt an activity in some cases unless you can be sure it will go flawlessly. This apprehension is grounded in a fear of failure which can lead to procrastination, anxiety, and poor time-management.

I myself, particularly in my studies, have been a perfectionist and it took me a long time to realise not everything you are going to produce is going to be perfect. This didn’t sit right with me for a while. I am guilty of spending many hours working on something for too long all in the effort to make it ‘perfect’. This behaviour meant I wasn’t balancing my time well and was sabotaging myself in other areas of my life that I should have been paying more attention too. My own perfection being more academically focused meant that whatever grade I would get, it would always need to be higher next time. The expectation just keeps…getting…HIGHER. This is obviously not a healthy way to approach a situation because when you achieve something you should congratulate yourself, not carry on increasing your goal because one day you won’t reach the expectation you set for yourself, and it will break you (trust me I know). This is when people tend to spiral into mental health issues because they realise that their expectations are unattainable and this begins to hold them back and create fear. I ended up developing an unhealthy thinking pattern that determined my own worth on my academic success and ability which was ultimately very wrong. Your happiness and worth should never be determined by the extent of your achievement and success.

Burnout happens when you avoid being human for too long.

Personally, I believed that in order for me to achieve I had to be on my grind 24/7 because from my observations that is how people that succeeded behaved. Nobody is actually like that because that leads to burnout and it is not a productive way to work. No one can sustain that amount of hard work for long periods, it’s about balance. Productivity and success is not about working flat out 100% of the time, it’s about taking breaks, recharging and coming back stronger. However, at the time I felt that if I wasn’t working, if I was taking a break, then I didn’t deserve that high grade. That is obviously untrue but that is how perfectionism works. If you are anything less than your absolute best then you are not good enough or worth enough. I had to learn what hard work and productivity really looked like. You will not always be 100% everyday, you have to learn when you need to call it quits and take a break. I would love to know how many hours I have wasted just staring at a uni essay on my laptop, doing absolutely nothing, but telling myself that I can’t stop because I don’t ‘deserve’ a break, even though I’d probably already been sat there for 9 hours.

I believe that a lot of people are becoming perfectionists because of societal influences, social media in particular. When you look online it doesn’t take long for you to find someone who appears like they have their whole life together, no issues, no struggles, just good vibes. Social media has created this toxic need to be perfect, successful and rich before you’re even 21. Social media is a facade, it’s people wanting to show the best highlights of their life, in some cases it is even fake. I’ve spoken to countless people who are insecure about their relationships, academic ability, style, appearance or financial stability, all because there are hundreds of people online presenting themselves as if they are perfect and that everything is going their way. After a while this can make a person deeply insecure because when they look at their own life they see normality, instead of perfection. We compare our whole life consisting of highs and lows to someones highlights. First of all that is unrealistic and second of all comparison is a killer and it’s only going to make you more insecure. Nobody has it all together all the time but society can make us think that we need to be that way, and when we aren’t we feel like we have failed. This is simply not true.

Taking a step back from social media and generally using it less will only lead to positive benefits in your life and how you view yourself. Gaining a better perspective and knowing that not everyone’s life is that perfect is hugely important for anyone’s mental health. It is important to focus on what you are doing and achieving than comparing yourself to everyone’s perfect presentations of themselves online. You shouldn’t base your own worth on what somebody else is doing. Unplug and take a detox from social media.

Making mistakes and being flawed is how humans work. I was at war with myself for a long time for not being good enough, when actually I was achieving really good grades but my constant desire to be better held me back. At the end of the day you can achieve great things and still be left feeling like you need more and more, but more will not be enough if you can’t be content within yourself and appreciate the journey you are on, flaws and all. We cannot be perfect and that is okay. What we can be is happy with who we are and what we have, whilst being committed to growth and progress in a healthy way, knowing that there will be mistakes along the way and that makes us a human being, not a failure.

Regarding overcoming my own personal perfectionism, I am definitely still on that journey. However, I have learnt that keeping up the habit of trying to knock away those negative thoughts and doubts in your head is the most crucial step to take. It is way easier said than done and is a constant journey, but noticing that thought pattern you have and consciously deciding to turn away from it instead of feeding into it is hugely important. In order to do that you have to accept yourself, congratulate yourself for the small achievements, (they are still amazing achievements!) and most importantly look after yourself. Take breaks, do things that make you feel good, see your friends, these are all important factors in achieving success.

It is very easy to feel an unbearable pressure and expectation being a perfectionist. You can easily over work yourself and take on too much and ultimately this will lead to burnout. This makes it even harder to fight the negative thoughts in your head because you are mentally exhausted. Taking time for yourself is hugely important, this is something I would love to go into more detail on in another article focused on self care and bad mental health days. For now though, be kind to yourself and accept your journey for what it is. You’re doing way better than you think and you are good enough.

I hope you enjoyed today’s post! Please do continue to email your responses to me on the contact me page if you don’t feel comfortable commenting below, that is completely fine! I have some links below to useful resources surrounding today’s topic, but I also wanted to mention a book I have briefly started, ‘Love for Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself in a World Striving for Perfection’ by the Buddhist monk Haemin Sunim. I touched on various kinds of Buddhism and mindfulness during my time at university and found it incredibly fascinating. There is a lot we can learn when we step outside of our western mindsets. I haven’t read the whole book yet but it’s a unique approach to overcoming perfectionism and I thought it was worth a quick mention! I’ll be sure to review the book later when I have finished so look out for that!

Mental health support

If you feel your perfectionism is negatively impacting your mental health and sense of self then do reach out to an organisation that can help support you. Your feelings are completely normal and valid, you do not have to feel alone.

  1. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
  2. https://www.samaritans.org/
  3. https://www.mind.org.uk/
  4. https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/how-to-access-mental-health-services/

TED Talks on perfectionism

Here are some of my favourite TED Talks on perfectionism, all very varied, but insightful talks about peoples own personal struggles with perfectionism and how they started to fight and overcome their unattainable expectations.


Social psychologist Thomas Curran explores how the pressure to be perfect — in our social media feeds, in school, at work — is driving a rise in mental illness, especially among young people. Learn more about the causes of this phenomenon and how we can create a culture that celebrates the joys of imperfection.

Iskra Lawrence asserts that we all need to be taught how to look after ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally and encourages us to invest in ourselves right now. She gives examples of self-care techniques like the mirror challenge and the gratitude list that work for anyone, any age, anytime. If we learn self-care and practice self-care, then we can gift self-care to others.

The idea of embracing a perfectionist identity takes away our power to control the outcomes of our lives. We can take control of our personal power by understanding the detrimental belief of perfectionism and embracing the idea that we are naturally imperfectionist. The more we understand how perfection is unattainable, the less control it has over us.

Until recently, Da Yeon believed that being perfect in every aspect of her life, from family and friendship to academics, was not only possible but would also bring nothing but benefits to her and those around her. In this personal talk, Da Yeon shares a journey of self-realisation, discovering the roots of her perfectionism, its consequences, and a path toward a healthier future.

Let’s talk about billionaires

I first started to learn about billionaires and the wealth gap when I watched the Netflix documentary Explained. The series has a huge variety of short 20 to 30 minute documentaries on numerous topics. I couldn’t recommend the series enough, it is a great way to learn something new in just 20 minutes! I came across the billionaires episode and it sparked my interest in learning even more about it. This is one of my favourite topics to discuss and learn about because it is truly insane and mind blowing to understand how rich billionaires really are. This is a slightly longer post but I think its important to discuss!

Let’s put this into perspective

Understanding how much a billion is, is something that is genuinely difficult to comprehend. Here is a few statistics that I have found whilst researching billionaires that helps you to understand what you can do with the smallest percentage of the top 400 richest people in the world’s wealth.

  • With less than 3% you could permanently eradicate malaria. Around 800 children will die today to malaria. 3% is so small billionaires would not even notice that loss of money, but that money could save thousands of lives.
  • With less than 5% you could lift every American out of poverty.
  • 6.8% could provide everyone in the world with clean drinking water and toilet access. 844 million people have zero access to this currently.
  • You could end the Yemen humanitarian crisis.
  • You could repair and rebuild Beirut, Lebanon after the recent and devastating explosion that killed and injured hundreds and has left many homeless.

Here are a few more statistics for you to bare in mind when discussing billionaires:

  • “The worlds top 26 billionaires own as much wealth as the poorest 3.8 billion people.” TIME Magazine 2019
  • “In 2019, the number of billionaires grew by 8.5% to 2,825 people. The combined wealth of the world’s billionaires reached 9.4 trillion dollars.” Wealth X: The Billionaires Census
  • “Billionaires got 565 billion dollars richer during the pandemic, making 42 billion a week on average.” Business Insider
  • In 1987 there were 140 billionaires, in 2019 there were 15x more billionaires with 30x more wealth. (Worth 8.7 trillion dollars according to Forbes 2019)
  • If billionaires formed a country it would be the 8th wealthiest in the world.
  • The richest 1% own half of the worlds wealth.

Many people underestimate the wealth of the super-rich, it is quite literally unimaginable wealth that one person cannot spend or even fully utilise themselves in a lifetime. More and more billionaires are being created and their wealth just keeps growing.

So how do people get THIS rich…

Forbes has done a lot of research into understanding how people become billionaires. The Explained episode on Netflix about billionaires explains really well how we ended up at this point.

The first ever billionaires surfaced in what was called The Gilded Age. They founded companies in the metal, oil and railroad industries. These billionaires corrupted the working class by paying low wages for labour. This theme remains similar with some of today’s richest billionaires such as the Walton Walmart family and Jeff Bezos the founder and creator of Amazon who is currently the richest person in the world.

The main reason why billionaires exist is due to capital. It is a known fact that money makes more money. The richer you become the less your income comes from labour and the more it ends up coming from capital that creates itself instantly. To take the quote from billionaire Edgar Bronfman Senior: “To turn 100 dollars into 110 dollars is work, to turn 100 million dollars into 110 million dollars is inevitable.” In the Explained episode they used the example of Michael Jordan. His hard work and labour to become one of the worlds greatest basketball players earned him his millions, but his capital sponsorship’s and deals made him into a billionaire. That money just keeps growing, and it doesn’t stop.

When we look at a company, for example Amazon, the wealth just keeps growing. Jeff Bezos makes more in one minute than what a labourer of his company would earn in one year. Business insider estimates that Jeff Bezos makes an average of 150 thousand dollars a minute. His money quite literally makes itself, he doesn’t even need to lift a finger.

So how should we feel about billioniares?

Well, they are scary, they have power. They can be in contact with a world leader in minutes. Some of them are world leaders such as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump, and it’s not like Trump is the nicest guy in the world given recent world events such as protecting and upholding a system that dehumanises and attacks black lives, attempting to take away trans rights and referring to coronavirus in racially derogatory terms that incites violence against Chinese Americans, but that’s a whole other discussion for another day that deserves more attention.

Money buys power, and being a billionaire means that you can do literally anything you want, good or bad, and you will face very little threat to your wealth and power. Bad people, plus wealth leads to power in the wrong hands.

There has been a huge amount of controversy surrounding the ethical treatment of workers and labourers that work under billionaire companies. Places such as Walmart and Amazon pay low wages and there has been reports of employees losing their jobs for wanting bathroom breaks and time off, even for religious commitments. Even further than this there are constant reports of bad working conditions particularly in creating a safe working environment for Covid-19.

You would think billionaires would pay their employees more because they have the money to do so, but the way society is structured they literally don’t have to. People have to work, they need to, so they will work in poor conditions in order to live, they shouldn’t have to live like that but they do, and some billionaires exploit that need to work and survive which has been established by capitalism. Paying for better working conditions and higher wages would have a minuscule impact on the wealth of a billionaire. They choose to turn a blind eye and not properly support their labourers because there will always be people that need work, no matter the working condition. Paying for cheap labour is how companies thrive and grow. This theme is prevalent within the fast fashion industry because it is how stock is created so quickly and in turn that brings in more profit. This is the way working conditions have become and it isn’t right.

Controversy and unrest has begun to grow surrounding billionaires and the wealth gap. Exposing information on billionaires stashing their assets in offshore accounts and avoiding taxes have recently surfaced in the past couple of years. The Cayman Islands being a popular one that takes advantage of the tax breaks, as well as Crooked Island in the Bahamas. Billionaires hide their assets so much that it has become impossible to accurately predict how much their net worth really is. The news that billionaires hide their wealth and avoid paying tax has become more mainstream, and it angers many. It was found that the wealthiest people in the world do not pay around 25% of the taxes they should be paying, that is 10% of the worlds GDP stashed in offshore bank accounts, amounting to trillions of dollars. That is a huge amount of tax not being used for public services. Tax avoidance is a huge issue with the super rich and legal action is beginning to be taken, but in most cases, loopholes can be found, and legality cannot do enough to correct this injustice.

I think people are sick and tired of living in a nation and a world where, so few have so much and so many have so little.

Bernie Sanders

Whilst the super rich avoid their taxes, the middle class begin to pay more taxes than the super rich. “The 400 richest U.S. families now pay a lower overall tax rate than the middle-class, the first time that’s happened in 100 years, according to economists Emmanuel Saez and Gabriel Zucman…Factoring in federal, state and local taxes, those ultra-wealthy households pay a total rate of about 23% — that compares with just over 24% for the bottom half of households.” CBS News. That means a middle class family pays slightly more tax than some billionaires. This is because most of their income comes from capital and not labour which means they are taxed less compared to the working and middle class. This is an income inequality issue that some democrats in America campaign to resolve. While the US tax system is supposed to be progressive there is no wealth tax on the ultra rich. Some billionaires are even open to be taxed more but the system is not in place in the US.

Stop trying to defend billionaires

A huge response to people who speak out against billionaires is an immediate naive attempt to call that person a communist or radical liberal. My response to that would be, one, challenging the super rich doesn’t automatically mean we need to redistribute all global wealth so that everyone is equal, and we live in a communist society. That is a radical value that we do not need to immediately jump to. We don’t need to destroy all wealthy people. We need to understand the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire because they keep getting richer and we are living in their world. There is a difference between being rich and super rich. Sure, the rich can buy a nice house and a nice car. But the super rich have the power in their hands to end some of the world’s largest humanitarian crises and still be the richest people in the world. It would cost around 29 billion dollars to end the Yemen famine crisis. That is 20% of Jeff Bezos’ net worth. Imagine what would happen if all the billionaires put forward a small amount of their whole earnings. Now I am by no means expecting all these billionaires to do this, we shouldn’t have to rely on billionaires to end the largest humanitarian crisis in the world, that is up to a failure of our government systems to control wealth inequality. But imagine if they did because they have that much money to do it and still be insanely rich.

Two, why do you want to protect someone that has literally a billion times more power than you anyway, they really don’t need your support unless they feed off of your labour. They have the power to influence government and politics, avoid tax, and earn thousands within a minute without even lifting a finger. They really don’t need your support. Billionaires have power and influence; they are un-elected political influences that cannot be held accountable. Billionaires are self-interested and they will promote themselves before anyone else. Don’t defend someone who is purely untouchable, when you are sat stuck in a system that prevents you from ever earning close to the wealth they acquire.

Another response people give is, well they worked hard surely they deserve it. There are hundreds of millionaires out there that worked hard and deserve their earnings. To become a billionaire is a whole other ball park. I came across a post online that compared millions and billions. A million seconds is 11 days, a billion seconds is 32 years. Let that sink in! Being rich and super rich are different, don’t assume they are the same. They may have worked really hard, but newsflash, everyone does. If you make the American minimum wage it would take 70,000 years to become a billionaire, a billionaire is not working 70,000 times harder than a labourer. It just so happens that the billionaire got lucky and their money started creating more money and will continue too. People who work 16 hour days on minimum wage work very very hard. People on the average living salary work very very hard. These people work just as hard, if not harder than most billionaires and will never reap the value or the lifestyle that a billionaire has. Billionaires are not gods, although their money has the ability to make them powerful enough to act like one.

Although I did say do not defend billionaires it would be unfair to assume that they are all evil, some do give back and pledge millions or billions towards social and global issues. However, it is important to know the difference between a performative amount of money that puts them in the good books of the public (when in reality they just earn’t that amount of money in the time it took you to read this far on this post), and genuinely wanting to see real global and social change. We need to learn to see the difference. Some billionaires exploited the working class to gain their wealth, being charitable means giving back what they avoided through taxes and fair wage policies to begin with. People shouldn’t be put on a pedestal for that.

Quite frankly, billionaires should not exist, literally no one needs all of that money and for most of them it just sits there and wont even be used in their lifetime. When you really put into perspective how much a billion is and what you can do with even 5% of that, it is truly terrifying that one single human controls that much.

This is just a basic understanding of the impact billionaires have and the amount of money they really have. The discussion on income inequality and wealth gaps is a huge and long one, I have only touched on the basics today.

There is even more to discuss surrounding the morality of billionaires, philanthropy, celebrity billionaires and how the governmental structures we live under furthers this income inequality. I would also love to learn more myself about the paper billionaire argument which aims to dismantle the thought that billionaires aren’t actually that wealthy because their wealth is tied up in assets when this is simply untrue. Also I’d like to further explore how the capitalist system supports billionaires and income inequality.

Income inequality is a huge topic and the morality of billionaires is a sensitive one to some because people can view them as god like for creating a product they may enjoy. But to me that doesn’t mean they need more wealth than they even know what to do with, whilst the rest of us struggle under a system that is working against us and supporting them. Whilst I do not know the solution to wealth inequality, it is interesting to discuss and to examine how billionaires came to be in the position they are in.

I hope you enjoyed this post! I have upcoming posts on perfectionism and analysing the capitalistic social themes in the movie Parasite by Bong Joon-Ho, so please do come back to check those out!

Normalise learning from your mistakes

Today I want to talk about something that appears to be a huge road block in our ability to enable change within society. This is the fact that people HATE being called out when they make a mistake, they really really hate it! Pride is at the core of this issue. Some people would rather defend a mistake than see the problem or error in their actions. People don’t want to believe they have done wrong or made a mistake. Realistically within our lives we will not live perfectly and we will make mistakes. Not only is it normal, it is also important for our growth and learning

When people act this way it restricts their growth and furthers their ignorance. This is counter-productive and leads to unhealthy communication. It inhibits our ability to fight against societal stigmas, stereotypes and microaggressions because when people are called out for their mistakes they immediately attempt to defend themselves in order to save their pride. In order to combat this we need to normalise learning from mistakes and choosing to instead be better.

A mistake is not always intentional and it can show a gap in your understanding on a certain topic or some sort of ignorance you may have internalised. You might not have intended to offend or make an error, but you did and it had a certain impact. Imagine you step on someones foot by accident, you didn’t intend to step on that persons foot, but you did and it created a negative impact on that person. Any decent person would apologise for that harm they accidentally caused and try to not do it again. This same idea corresponds to verbal mistakes. You may not have intended to offend a person, but you did. Instead of trying to defend yourself and explain that it wasn’t your intention, you should instead take a step back from yourself and realise that you hurt that person, even if it wasn’t your intention to do so. Take that opportunity to learn from the mistake instead of remaining close-minded and focused on yourself. When you offend someone, it is really not about you, so put your pride to the side and see the mistake you made for what it really is and learn from it.

Additionally to this, if the person tries to explain to you why what you said may have offended them, listen. That person is helping you to grow by correcting your mistake. Don’t dismiss what that person has said, internalise it, see the error of your ways and acknowledge that yes, you did mess up, but now you can be better. By remaining defensive and refusing to believe that you have made a mistake, you stunt your own growth in learning and just generally being a better person. Acknowledging your mistakes is a form of self-awareness, if your mistakes are negatively impacting someone it is your social responsibility to be better.

As human beings we are not perfect, and we cannot be perfect, we can only be our best. This is why I love learning because it gives me an opportunity to do better. When you learn something new you are bound to make mistakes along the way, it’s only natural and it’s how we learn and grow. If you look back at your life and think you haven’t made a single mistake, then you probably haven’t learnt that much. It is okay to make a mistake, as long as you make use of that opportunity to learn from the situation. We need to normalise this idea because it promotes growth and just generally being a considerate and decent person.

If you choose to not learn from the mistake then you will continue to make that mistake. You are harming yourself by not allowing yourself to grow, and you are harming others but not putting your pride to the side and simply admitting that you were wrong. Defending a mistake is never the right solution to a problem, it only furthers your ignorance and inability to learn. If you think you are always right, then you are just remaining close-minded. To take the famous quote from Socrates: “I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” It is ignorant to believe that you have all the answers, because you don’t. There is always more to learn and we learn by making mistakes. Now that doesn’t mean you should go around intending to make mistakes, it means that when someone tries to correct you or call you out, listen to them, hear their perspective and learn.

If you find yourself in these situations, acknowledge the mistake and choose to better instead of defending that mistake all in the name of your pride. Making mistakes really is normal, everyone does it, I do it all the time. Admitting you were wrong doesn’t mean that you are now unintelligent. It means you are clearing the clouds of ignorance that are fogging up your perspective of the world. That is a good thing and it means you are learning and growing. So please, normalise admitting you were wrong and learning from your mistakes. The world will not end, it will enable us all to communicate together and make the world an amicable and productive place to enact change.